"Jesus, are you there?"

Hello! It's been a while since i've wrote & i'm so excited to be back. I never would have guessed a season of transition would be so hard on me! In the past month I moved, got married, graduated and started a new job, and it is finally hitting me. And by started a new job, I mean I started a new job, quit a new job, and started a different new job all in the same week! Talk about crazy. I am so thankful for this season and all the Lord is teaching me, and i'm here to share some of it with you! Let's dive in.

Amidst the chaos, the transitions, the newness and uncomfortableness; I have felt highly frustrated, very confused and angry at times. But I have also felt much peace and joy. Which has lead to more confusion and frustration. It's felt like i'm constantly going through the weather cycle but rather between frustration and joy. I listened to a series a few weeks ago; and the holy spirit gently touched my heart and spoke through it to me, and reminded me that Jesus has been there. As I was praying over this blog and what to write about today; this again came to mind. Jesus has been there. And as I thought about what this meant; I was instantly brought to tears.

This season of my life has been nothing but challenging for me. I've struggled to read my bible more than ever, I've struggled to pray, I've felt distance in places and relationships I haven't ever had before. I've longed to be more holy but feel stuck. I see where I can be, and don't know what to do to get there any more. I've cried and longed to grow. As I look at this past month of frustration, hurt, sadness but joy and new things; I'm reminded that God's hospitality house is big but I have spent this past season believing there is closed off rooms. And I believe if you examine a season of your life; you've probably been there too. When you believe the rooms to his house are locked with a deadbolt so tight you take your doubts, worry and fear outside of his house and pretend you don't have it. I heard a pastor say, that one of the worst postures we can take with our theology is to fake it till we make it.

The very essence of the call is to show up authentically.

Rather than bringing my frustration, confusion and unbelief of certain things to the Lord, i've hidden it outside of his house instead of unlocking the door. But unbelief and belief can dwell in the same house. Instead of thinking that, we tell God things we don't agree with and tell him how it's supposed to go; and then we freak out when it isn't what we had mapped out in our journal... something I have done more often than not lately.

Look at Mark 9:24. Jesus was there for the father for him to confess his belief and unbelief; and he's there for us too. We can come to the Lord with all of it. It's okay to say, "yeah God, i haven't given up all hope but i've seen some things I don't agree with." "yes God I know you're with me but this family thing is absolutely killing me." "God I have been trying to work on this sin struggle and I don't have much fight left in me, please help." "God you cured them of cancer but you let this person die? How could you?" "God this thing in my life is taking over, where are you at?"

It's been hard for me to cry these things out to God. I always want to live in a state of gratitude towards him; but that doesn't mean we can't confess our unbelief and disappointments. We can have a posture of thankfulness as well as a posture of confusion. And he is okay with it all...

Jesus has been there for those years ago... look at the Bible and see the miraculous things he has done, so why do we think he won't be there for us today? I have noticed we put so much pressure on God answering prayers and we seem to have this mindset of waiting for God to fill in the blank. We know he is a God who answers prayers so we all fall into thinking that if he doesn't, he isn't a good God.

"God I pray you'd do _____ in my life so I can have peace again."

"God if only you'd _____ then I would feel joy."

So what happens when he fills in the blank and it isn't what you had written in? What do you do when it takes him 2 years to fill it in rather than 2 weeks? What happens when its answered but not according to your script?

We often are waiting for God to adapt to our plan and then when he goes off the script we freak out, or if he takes too long we throw in the towel...but

God is not interested in filling in the blanks in your journal, He's interested in filling in the hole in your life.

What do you do with God who goes off script? Who refuses to follow your "to-do" list for him? One who refuses to submit his plans for yours? Do you give up? Do you lose your faith? Do you no longer come to him with your unbelief & frustration? Do you begin to not come to God with your authentic self? What do you do when God goes off your script?

Jesus calls us to "take up our cross daily & follow him" and this doesn't mean making him be a fill in the blank God and running when it isn't what you had planned. A relationship with God is not co-ownership; it's full surrender.

I challenge you today & everyday to ditch the script. I challenge you to fully submit. I challenge you to bring your authentic self; full of frustration, confusion, hurt and anger to the Lord. As you go through seasons of difficulty and ones that look nothing like you thought; unlock the door and allow your beliefs and disbeliefs to dwell in the same house, because the very essence of the call is to show up authentically.

Heavenly Father,

Lord we come to you today with disappointments, frustrations, sadness and heartache, as well as joy, peace and gratitude. We come to you today with unanswered prayers, unscripted seasons and locked doors. locked doors to our hearts, our hurt and our desires. You know the pain each person feels, the disasters they face and the plans we all have that have fallen through. I pray for those who are at their moment of losing faith, of always writing a script and putting plans on you, of not fully submitting and carrying their cross. Lord I ask for authenticity in our relationships with you, comfortableness to fill our hearts to come to you with everything we have going, and to not live with a script placed on you for you to fill in the blank, but rather a life style of being okay with the script being entirely the opposite of what we desired and still trusting, loving and coming to you with all of our feelings; believing in who you truly are.

Amen

6.17.23

Amelia