Haze.

Cloud.

Confusion.

Vagueness.

blur.

fog.

dull.

Haze.

My eyes flooding with tears. My head face down in my pillow. My body shaking. My mouth paralyzed. The pain isn't physical but I truly feel like my hurt is so intense I can't breathe. I didn't experience a crash and burn moment. I didn't experience rapid change or sudden loss. I was in a rather peaceful state but I had never felt more shattered and alone. And as people continue to ask me what was wrong, my mind turns blank, my mouth doesn't move and I freeze. My mind cannot escape the haze.

I wish I could say I am writing to tell you what has helped me; to tell you what to do if you're in my shoes and give you some inspiration and motivation, but i'd be lying to myself and those around me if I told you I have overcome from this. I believe that although the "you'll get through it" is uplifting in moments, and the "I'll be there for you" is always nice to hear, sometimes having someone sitting in the haze with us, walking us through step by step is what we need.

It's hard to see through haze. Especially when it's dark. We feel desperately hopeless. We want God to fix it all. Edit this story so it has a different and faster ending. Repair my reality. Make it what I have dreamed.

But what if fixing, editing and repairing isn't what God has in mind at all? What if , right now, this time, God is desiring something of you completely brand new. Right now. No matter your circumstances what if that is his plan? because often I feel as though we think we just need to fix ourselves. We think the enemy just keeps attacking us. we think we are drawing out our feelings, obsessing over them, and being too emotional. Although those all can be true at times, some seasons God desires something new. Some seasons God is molding us, shaping us and rebuilding us for our future and next season. Some seasons are a bit extra emotional and that is okay. We are fully human and we are meant to feel things. we AREN'T meant to let them rule over us. What if, this sensitive, emotional, indescribable season is where God has you?

I believe that is often the case. Let's look at Mary. I believe she was emotional at first. I believe she was confused. I believe she was even upset. I believe despite the emotions and feelings, God was using them to remold her and strengthen her. Let's look at Joseph. The bible clearly tells us he was upset, he was so upset he was going to leave Mary. I'm sure he was confused and emotional. However, God sent an angel to Joseph in a dream, telling him to not fear and that what she has conceived is from the Holy Spirit. I believe God new they would react this way. I believe God was still with them. And I believe that for you and I today. God is not absent in our feelings. He isn't distant in our emotions and confusion. And he certainly isn't upset at us.

I struggle believing that shattering, nothing going right, and confusion is for any good. But what if these things are crucial ingredients to a whole new season. As we experience these things; we want a quick fix situation. Like a "Lord I have been praying, worshipping and reading your word... any day now dude!" But this isn't how it works. Sometimes we receive quick healing and are freed, other times its a while, longer than we think. And I believe the quote "God wouldn't give us more than we can handle" it completely wrong and absolutely so misused. We aren't meant to do any of life without him. Especially the harder things. So in this season of shattering and haze, we draw to him. We rely on him. He is the strength in it all; especially in the haze. Not to beg for immediate healing, but to ask for his will to be done. whatever it may be. Because you know what? I believe, in the shattering, the haze, the brokenness and emotions, God will still make everything okay. I know God will make something new and beautiful from my haze and fog. But in knowing this, I still struggle with my daily life. Like driving in haze, I slow down. My brain freezes. And there I am, wanting to sped up, fly right through it, and forget it was even there. The haze stops it all. In the midst of a good day, I still feel stuck. With my head down in the pillow, my heart aching and tears running down my face, my fiance asks "what can I do." And as I force myself to speak all I can say is "I don't know.." It is confusing. It is utterly exhausting to be with someone with so much emotion and mascara filled pillows.

It hit me one day, journaling as I realized this season has been painful. Literally just painful. But we must feel it all. we must not delay our healing by ignoring the pain, the confusion and emotions. This pain I have felt has demanded me to truly slow down. I must slow down to get below the surface, and see amidst the haze. And for you, you do to. You won't know what is under the surface if you don't take the time to examine it, be with God and cut things out. You must take care of you. And that means staying connected to God, talking to him, seeking prayer and processing it all. Sometimes it means being a little more quiet. This season might be just a few days, a couple of weeks or a few months. God will make everything okay. And maybe, just maybe, you are right where you need to be right now. You are meant to spend this season in the haze.