you can be transformed.

An excerpt from a journal I wrote during Covid stated “May 18th, Quarantine Day 59??? God you get one more chance only because I trust you’re real. But this is hard, and I don’t think I can handle another day of this. Days are dragging on; I don’t know what to do. I enjoy the calmness of home and the stillness of life, but I can’t get over this feeling I have.

It comes and goes. I think it is gone and suddenly in the wildest form it is back. I want to defeat it, but I don’t really trust that I can. It takes control. It creates fear. It depletes my ability to talk to others and enjoy life. Lord, if you are real. You would fix it.”

Goodness, over 3 years later I read that again, and it saddens me, shakes me and causes me to wonder how many other young women are dealing with the same thing. I wrote everyday of quarantine. I had nothing else to do, and often it would look like “day ____ Quarantine Day _____ not much has changed, I don’t understand what is happening, but I want life to be normal.” And so on and so on. I wrote and I wrote, but never to God. I grew up as a Catholic, but when I got to college I got involved in many wrong things for myself. I put my worth and identity in things that never filled me, and once COVID hit it all just was stripped away.

May 18th, I wrote “Lord, if you are real. You would fix it.”

Look, I don’t know what “it” is for you, but “it” for me was depression. “It” for me was body image issues. “it” for me was loneliness. The lies of “I’m too broken to be loved.” “I’ll never amount to much.” “I’m just not skinny enough.” Flooded my mind day in and day out.

“it” took over my mind. My body. My actions and who I was.

“it” became my identity.

I began to believe Satan’s lies of who I was, but you see…

I didn’t know God. I hardly believed he was real, but something in me that day wrote, “Lord, if you are real. You would fix it.”

Listen, no matter what “it” is to you, I want you to hear this.

In a moment of despair and brokenness, who I was got stripped away.

Immediately life changed when COVID hit, my regular routine was gone, and I disappeared. My life was dependent on what I put in my body, what others would say to me and how I was accepted by those around me on campus. The instant I was back at home, I was a mess. Writing everyday became my outlet. I was seeking validation and approvable that I literally had no other resort than to just fill up journal pages day in and day out yelling, crying, and tearing myself down about my current place in life. It was exhausting and never filled me. May 18th, I woke up, began writing in my journal and the moment I wanted to start ranting on the pages, tears began to hit the pages as I wrote “God, you get one more chance only because I trust you’re real.” And now, as I share this with you today, tears begin to hit the pages. I didn’t know God, I didn’t really believe that I could be transformed, but certainly he was with me.

This most definitely wasn’t the turning point for me in my life. I wish I could say it was my “aha” moment, but I continued to not follow his ways and not trust in him. It was the starting point of me realizing that I was made for more. It was the moment I began to realize a part of me desired improvement and the day I realized that where I was seeking it wasn’t the right answer. I firmly believe May 18th God orchestrated my heart to be so desperate for something, that all I could do was turn to him. I have learned to seek him first. Trust him first. To never put God on the line of proving something; but rather asking him to simply teach you his ways. Fully surrender your desires, your will of your life and let him have control of all. And wholeheartedly, I say confidently, you can be transformed. God can pull you out of anything and transform your heart and your soul into something so beautiful. Have the faith he can do it and allow him the ability.